Bribery Will Get You Everywhere

What constitutes bribery? When does ‘if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ crossover some line into a dark, and illegal place? And how much money has to be on the line for it to constitute an actual crime?

I am gearing up for what will surely be felonious bribery and across state lines at that.
The event of the summer is nearly upon us: E and Amy are set to tie the knot and the Mud Puddle is (in theory) going to wear a tux and walk down the aisle next to a little flower girl. I have already started buying the bribery presents in anticipation of this event. If anyone has any ideas on how I can hide a Diego backpack up my dress to entice him down the aisle (if need be), by all means, shout them out.

I have used this tried and true parenting method of rewarding good behavior with materialistic (and occasionally cheap) goods for some time now. For example:

You get your hair cut, I will give you a lollipop.
You get your tonsils out, I will give you three presents a day for the next four days (sure, clearance bin “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” VHS tapes are no Hope Diamond, but there was wrapping paper and that all powerful ‘new’ factor, so it counts).

You sit through the rehearsal dinner, wear a tux, hold hands with the flower girl, walk down the aisle and not talk during the ceremony? Crap, I am probably going to have to promise him a pony.
I am nearly certain he will be fine during all of the wedding festivities and will do all that is asked of him, but he is three and well, they can be dodgy at this age. So I am going loaded with loot and my best/worst (depending on your point of view) Mommy Means Business face.

I would encourage any friend with children to use bribery to their advantage, you have something they want and they need to do something you want. Everyone wins.

And there are plenty of kid friendly presents for under a dollar. I have an entire bag of clearance and dollar store items ‘hidden’ (how many times have I found the Mud Puddle with his head in that very bag saying “Who are all of these for mommy?”) in my closet behind my shoes and unused yoga ball, ready for any ‘good behavior’ moments that need a little coaxing.