First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

So the event of the year has come and gone. E is officially an old married guy. I am sure you are all DYING to know how the Mud Puddle did and at what expense to me.
If you ask anyone other than me, he did ‘fine’. I grade on a slightly less forgiving scale. I would say he did marginal. But you be the judge:

My one wish was that the Mud Puddle not have to go to the bathroom during the ceremony. I wanted him to go about five minutes prior to the ceremony, ensuring he wouldn’t have to go during.

He comes up to where the bride and her maids were standing and informs me he has to go. This is about 35 seconds before the bride is set to walk down the aisle.
ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME?

I start to sprint over to restaurant next door dragging him as I go when the other maids decide he can just go in a bush beside the makeshift aisle. Mmkay. This makes him very happy b/c
a. he gets quick relief
b. he loves to ‘pee in the woods’.
So I am saying things like ‘don’t pee on your tux pants’ and ‘hurry up’ and he is saying ‘it looks like a fire hose.”

So he finishes up his business, the bridesmaids have already started meaning I have missed my spot in line and I need to walk quickly (jog in heels) to catch up.
The expression on my face was NOT the one I had planned as I trotted up the aisle, I was going for dewy pride and joy for my brother. What was conveyed was veiled anger and distress over the turn of events.

So the Mud Puddle was SUPPOSED to walk down the aisle with the flower girl. Carrying his namesake: the Joshua monkey. Well, moments before the peeing episode he informed me that he did not want to carry the monkey and he wanted to take Ellie, his nappy old Elephant blanket instead. Had I known that Ellie was going to make a trip down the aisle I would have washed him (or least given him the once over with the stain stick) prior to our trip north. So he was allowed to carry the elephant and I tossed the monkey.

Now, at the rehearsal the Mud Puddle was a little shy around the flower girl at first but eventually warmed up to her. They practiced walking down the aisle together three or four times. But on the big day, he saw the 150 people sitting in front of him and he made a beeline for a bush (different than the one he peed in) and hid with his back to crowd. There were a number of “awwws” from the crowd and Scott went over to fetch him out of the bush and encourage him down the aisle (E was kneeling down waiting for him at this point). He made a beeline for my mom and stood with her throughout the ceremony.

I understand that he was hot in his tux, and not a fan of big crowds so while I didn’t pass out many “atta boys” to him I also didn’t get on his case. We had decided that his gift for doing a good job would be a Slip and Slide (a much cheaper alternative to a pony). We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home on Sunday and he used it almost every night this week.

So, what is the moral of the story? Did I learn any lessons?
Why yes, yes I did:
My feelings (negative in nature) of kids at weddings has been reinforced
If you want to ensure someone has peed prior to a big event take them yourself
The ‘I love to pee outside’ gene is inherited and carried on the Y chromosome
A monkey with a bow is no substitute for an elephant with your name on it
Bird poop leaves a greasy stain on a bridesmaid dress (yup, I had poop on me post ceremony)
Anger is the best way to stave on tears
I am one lucky wife, daughter, sister, SIL (sister-in-law) that the people around me overlook the Mud Puddle’s flaws and only see the good (or at least tell me that).