A Resolve to End Bad Mothering (or pretend to)

I had to make New Year’s Resolutions this year. Not because I actually wanted to, I find that putting that much pressure on yourself at the beginning of the year only results in failure. And guilt.
No, I had to make two New Year’s resolutions because the Mud Puddle is more level-headed than I am and had requested I modify my behavior. He didn’t use the words “because sometimes you are crazy” but the meaning was implied. And accurate.

So the first resolution was not to say “The F word” as much, if at all. That’s right I swear a lot. Especially for someone who has a nine year old around. Apparently I was a sailor in a previous life as I swear like one. (Boy, I hope I was a British sailor and fought in the Revolutionary War against those f-ing Yanks.)

But I justify this behavior with my strange theory about parents and kids: Kids do not do what their parents did. An example: All of my friends who grew up with a smoking parent were not smokers themselves.

So I believe that a child who grows up with a mother who F’s and Jeff’s her way through the day won’t be inclined to be a potty mouth himself. And he has made it clear he would prefer I NOT use that language around him. So fine, just f-ing fine. And in my defense, I have been very good at home about watching my language. So woo-fing-hoo.

The second resolution I am not entirely sure I can adhere to. He would like me to stop yelling at the television during sporting events.

Especially Football (Soccer for you f-ing Yanks) and Football (that game that is named wrong as there is no foot/ball contact except punts and field goals).

I yell LOUDLY at the television when one of my teams is playing. I yell equally loud whether they are winning or losing.

I especially like yelling at the refs when they do not call my favorite foul: Pass Interference (or as I call it PI).
Or at a football (soccer) player who flops on the ground as though his jugular was severed but six seconds later gets up and starts playing again.

Let me give you an example of each:

“What the F!!! That was totally PI!! PI!! You usually buy someone DINNER before grabbing them like that. These refs SUCK. PI PI PI!!!!!”

What the F!!! GET UP YOU WANKER. YOU ARE A FAKER. STOP MOANING AND PLAY THE GODDAMNED GAME YOU ARE PAID OBSCENELY TO PLAY!!!! YOU are an AHOLE!!!”

So you can see where that might get annoying. Especially if you are not that interested in televised sports.
Usually after such a tirade which may or may not see me tossing a hat, a pillow or a remote if my team is playing badly the MP will remind me: “They can’t actually hear you, you know.” Or “This game happened yesterday, you are yelling at the DVR.”

And he is right, they can’t hear me. But I really like to yell at the television. He would really prefer I not. So I will give that one a try but I make no promises.

I hope that he remains even-keeled as he matures but I also won’t mind if the crazy gene is activated during puberty. I could use the help yelling at the television. The swearing we can all pass on.