I Swear

The MP and I had a rather frank and colorful conversation the other night on our way home from afterschool care. As you may remember, I have a bit of a potty mouth (well, ‘bit’ might be a stretch. A long-shoreman after slamming his thumb with a hammer would have a hard time keeping up with me).  And the MP was looking for some guidance on what he could say and what was off-limits.

MP: So you said something the other day while we were cleaning the turtle tank, and I would like to know if it is a swear or not.

Me: Ok, what was it?

MP: well I can’t say it, if it is a swear.

Me: You can say it, this is a clarification question you aren’t screaming “Sh*t!” for no reason.

MP: While you were taking out the filter you said “Screw it, let’s just do it the easy way.” Can I say screw it?

Me: No, it is a lower level bad word but I prefer you not use it. Why, did you say it?

MP:…..

Me: It’s ok if you did, you didn’t know if it were a swear or not.

MP: Yes I said it once, under my breath.

Me: That’s ok, just don’t do it again. Do we need to review the list of swear words?

MP: Yes please.

From there, things turned into a George Carlin sketch. I ran down the list of 6 words you must never say.  Then he had a few extras we needed to cover.

MP: What about the T word?

Me: What T word? Tw*t?

MP: No, I don’t even know what that means. The T word: T-*-T.

Me: Oh that one. No you can’t say that one.              

I reminded him that derogatory words for ladies are never allowed: Ho, b*tch, skank. He asked about the S word.

Me: Which S word? Sh*t?

MP: No, S-L-U-T

Me: No. That is an unflattering characterization of a woman. You may not use that word.

MP: What does it mean?
ME: It means that a lady is liberal with her loving. Don’t use it

MP: Can I say ho if I am talking about a garden?
Me: Sure.

 

We then talked about the hierarchy of swears. "Hell” and “damn” are first tier. He had his "hell"privileges reinstated after a misuse of the word back in the fall. But  he can’t say it at school and he can’t say it more than five times a day.  Damn he gets when he turns 11.

The “A-word” and “S-word” he gets when he is 15, if his grades are good.

The “F-word” I informed him he could not have until he graduated high school and had been accepted to a good college.

MP: What is a good college? Like UMaine?

Me: Yes, Umaine is a good school; there are a lot of good schools.

MP: What about community college?

Me: No, not a community college. You need to go to a four-year accredited institution.

MP: And then I can say the F-word?
Me: Yes, then the F-word is all yours