RIP I guess...

So as you may or may not know, we have a menagerie of pets. I justify our myriad of living creatures by telling myself that the MP’s desire to be a marine biologist benefits from getting to know different types of animals. Of course, he could get to know them better if he actually took care of them. But in his defense he has gotten better and not all of the animals are technically ‘his’.

Up until this week we had: A french bulldog, a red eared slider turtle, an Australian Bearded Dragon and Two Zebra Finches.

That was until yesterday when we went down a Dragon.

Now, the dragon (named Coki, not Koki don’t get THAT wrong if you are asked) was my least favorite pet. I barley tolerated him when he rolled into town three years ago. He was kind of cute when he was 18 inches long but when he started to enter Jabba the Hut territory  ( I exaggerate slightly) at three feet from nose to tail and a big rolly polly belly he became all scary no cute. And he had those lizard eyes, all dead and cold and watching me… always.

I will admit that I did have a traumatic lizard encounter the first time the MP and I went to the London Zoo. (Favorite zoo of all time, btw). We were visiting the Komodo dragon enclosure and it was feeding time, no big whoop I have watched our turtle devour many a gold fish (and he weirdly always keeps one as a ‘pet’ or as I like to call it his precious. He never eats the last one so I wind up having to have fish food on hand for the turtle’s pet, yup this is my life) so watching a lizard scarf down a mouse was not a big deal.

The big deal came when I made eye contact with the male Komodo and then he followed me. We were separated by glass but he had his eye on me, and walked the length of the enclosure, around the corner gaining speed if we did trying to catch me. The MP found this to be cool while I was creeped out big time. Hence my lizard dislike.

Coki (not Koki) liked to be held at first and would sit on Scott or the MP’s shoulder before getting cold and antsy. After he got a little bigger that didn’t happen but Scott would take him out and hold him and usually sneak up on me with him. This did nothing to alleviate my lizard fears.

But I tried to be a good guardian of Coki (not Koki) and even took him to the vet for a baseline exam and nail trim. The vet LOVED him, a welcome change from mangy cats and hyper beagles I would imagine.

As Coki (not Koki) grew heavier and lazier he could barely be bothered to ‘catch’ the crickets we would tong feed him.

And there were plenty of times before this week I assumed he was dead. He was very good at playing possum or bored lizard. I would wait until Scott got home to check him because I was not going to touch that dry scaly flesh.

When Scott came in the other morning to tell me he had passed I was like “are you sure? He isn’t just MOSTLY dead like the other 17 times?” but alas he had made his trip to the big Australian outback in the sky.

Which upset the MP DEEPLY. I could clearly give a rat’s ass but for his sake I tried to be comforting. And agreed to a funeral.

Scott was home early that day so he dug the hole and the MP decorated the ‘coffin’. The hole was put at the base on the deck in the backyard and surrounded by candles. My NICE candles which I thought was  a bit much for this pet but whatever.

As an ordained minister (via the internet) and a Justice of the Peace (via the State of NH) I felt like I should say something but all I could really muster was “see you on the flip side.”

The MP had a few dramatic words: “I will always remember him.” Which I plan to test at his high school graduation.

Scott had nothing but the shovel so it was brief and we brought my good candles back in. I was worried the MP would be upset for days but 15 minutes later he was laughing his head off at an episode of the “King of Queens.”

The moral of this story? I have now done some serious pet life expectancy recon and am happy to share the wisdom I have gathered:

Hermit Crab – three months (first crab did die during a prolonged power outage and was replaced on the sneak but the second one lasted three months as well).

Hamster – 18 months (probably would have lived a longer life if we hadn’t all stopped interacting with it because of its vicious bite. We named it Chewy but it should have been Bitey given its affection for human flesh).

Bearded Dragon – Three years two months

First of Two French Bulldogs – Nine years (She was the best and I still miss her. Three trips to the vet failed to find the growth in her chest and I still feel guilty I didn’t push for a second opinion).

Zebra Finches – 9 months and 6 months and counting – they are Scott’s and he loves them as long as they remain a twosome, I am fine with it.

Red Eared Slider Turtle – Eight years and counting. Life Expectancy is 30 years. My brother’s turtle is 21 and still lives with my parents. I am going to be the little old lady with a pet turtle and his precious.

Second of Two French Bulldogs – Twelve years and counting. He benefits from a better vet, fewer teeth and all the love a dog could want.

And in true MP fashion he asked exactly 24 hours after Coki (Not Koki) expired if we could get another lizard.  How about a nice pet rock instead?