Mud Puddle-isms

The Mud Puddle is quite the character, as all of you long suffering blog readers have probably figured out. We have covered some of his original vocabulary before, and I thought that I would take this opportunity to bring you up to speed on some more of his rather colorful words and phrases:

HeadSquatch – A Big Foot, the Mud Puddle describes it as “like a gorilla”.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Ladies of all ages” – How he does a grandiose introduction. I am not sure if the Gentlemen can only be of a certain age but he makes it clear that he loves the ladies, regardless of their chronological state.

“I LOVE YOU ” – he loves everything lately. I give him my Mean Mommy look and he is saying “I LOVE YOU MOMMY” in a big, Broadway voice.
He also loves rocks, his tomato plant, daddy, Ellie, grammie and grampie, and occasionally people and animals he has not yet met. This phrase replaces the “Isn’t It Sweet” he had been shoveling for several months. I would say something was ‘cool’ or ‘awesome’ and he would inform me that, no in fact it was ‘sweet’ and in the cotton candy way, not in the “Dude Where’s My Car” way.

Watee – the substance the rest of us refer to as Water. He has been taking off the R and replacing it with an E on some words lately. It is like his spin on the Boston ‘ah’ sound and rather annoying I might add.

Yogi – yogurt (see Watee above for explanation).

Heat Wash (pronounced like Rash but with a W) – he has one on the back of his neck and keeps telling me “Don’t touch my Heat Wash!” But if I can’t touch IT, I can’t put the calamine lotion on IT.

Poooolllllllllah – something you swim in. The longer you try and keep him out of it the more ‘o’s and ‘l’s he adds. We stayed at a hotel this weekend and I swear after 45 minutes of waiting (a century to him apparently) there were at least an even dozen of each added to the word.

The Cabin – the place where we stayed for E’s wedding. It was a resort and we were taking care of E’s dog so we had a cabin which was nice. He apparently enjoyed it b/c he keeps asking when we are going back. I thought the chatter leading up to the wedding was bad, but it continues on, and on….

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

So the event of the year has come and gone. E is officially an old married guy. I am sure you are all DYING to know how the Mud Puddle did and at what expense to me.
If you ask anyone other than me, he did ‘fine’. I grade on a slightly less forgiving scale. I would say he did marginal. But you be the judge:

My one wish was that the Mud Puddle not have to go to the bathroom during the ceremony. I wanted him to go about five minutes prior to the ceremony, ensuring he wouldn’t have to go during.

He comes up to where the bride and her maids were standing and informs me he has to go. This is about 35 seconds before the bride is set to walk down the aisle.
ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME?

I start to sprint over to restaurant next door dragging him as I go when the other maids decide he can just go in a bush beside the makeshift aisle. Mmkay. This makes him very happy b/c
a. he gets quick relief
b. he loves to ‘pee in the woods’.
So I am saying things like ‘don’t pee on your tux pants’ and ‘hurry up’ and he is saying ‘it looks like a fire hose.”

So he finishes up his business, the bridesmaids have already started meaning I have missed my spot in line and I need to walk quickly (jog in heels) to catch up.
The expression on my face was NOT the one I had planned as I trotted up the aisle, I was going for dewy pride and joy for my brother. What was conveyed was veiled anger and distress over the turn of events.

So the Mud Puddle was SUPPOSED to walk down the aisle with the flower girl. Carrying his namesake: the Joshua monkey. Well, moments before the peeing episode he informed me that he did not want to carry the monkey and he wanted to take Ellie, his nappy old Elephant blanket instead. Had I known that Ellie was going to make a trip down the aisle I would have washed him (or least given him the once over with the stain stick) prior to our trip north. So he was allowed to carry the elephant and I tossed the monkey.

Now, at the rehearsal the Mud Puddle was a little shy around the flower girl at first but eventually warmed up to her. They practiced walking down the aisle together three or four times. But on the big day, he saw the 150 people sitting in front of him and he made a beeline for a bush (different than the one he peed in) and hid with his back to crowd. There were a number of “awwws” from the crowd and Scott went over to fetch him out of the bush and encourage him down the aisle (E was kneeling down waiting for him at this point). He made a beeline for my mom and stood with her throughout the ceremony.

I understand that he was hot in his tux, and not a fan of big crowds so while I didn’t pass out many “atta boys” to him I also didn’t get on his case. We had decided that his gift for doing a good job would be a Slip and Slide (a much cheaper alternative to a pony). We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home on Sunday and he used it almost every night this week.

So, what is the moral of the story? Did I learn any lessons?
Why yes, yes I did:
My feelings (negative in nature) of kids at weddings has been reinforced
If you want to ensure someone has peed prior to a big event take them yourself
The ‘I love to pee outside’ gene is inherited and carried on the Y chromosome
A monkey with a bow is no substitute for an elephant with your name on it
Bird poop leaves a greasy stain on a bridesmaid dress (yup, I had poop on me post ceremony)
Anger is the best way to stave on tears
I am one lucky wife, daughter, sister, SIL (sister-in-law) that the people around me overlook the Mud Puddle’s flaws and only see the good (or at least tell me that).

Bribery Will Get You Everywhere

What constitutes bribery? When does ‘if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ crossover some line into a dark, and illegal place? And how much money has to be on the line for it to constitute an actual crime?

I am gearing up for what will surely be felonious bribery and across state lines at that.
The event of the summer is nearly upon us: E and Amy are set to tie the knot and the Mud Puddle is (in theory) going to wear a tux and walk down the aisle next to a little flower girl. I have already started buying the bribery presents in anticipation of this event. If anyone has any ideas on how I can hide a Diego backpack up my dress to entice him down the aisle (if need be), by all means, shout them out.

I have used this tried and true parenting method of rewarding good behavior with materialistic (and occasionally cheap) goods for some time now. For example:

You get your hair cut, I will give you a lollipop.
You get your tonsils out, I will give you three presents a day for the next four days (sure, clearance bin “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” VHS tapes are no Hope Diamond, but there was wrapping paper and that all powerful ‘new’ factor, so it counts).

You sit through the rehearsal dinner, wear a tux, hold hands with the flower girl, walk down the aisle and not talk during the ceremony? Crap, I am probably going to have to promise him a pony.
I am nearly certain he will be fine during all of the wedding festivities and will do all that is asked of him, but he is three and well, they can be dodgy at this age. So I am going loaded with loot and my best/worst (depending on your point of view) Mommy Means Business face.

I would encourage any friend with children to use bribery to their advantage, you have something they want and they need to do something you want. Everyone wins.

And there are plenty of kid friendly presents for under a dollar. I have an entire bag of clearance and dollar store items ‘hidden’ (how many times have I found the Mud Puddle with his head in that very bag saying “Who are all of these for mommy?”) in my closet behind my shoes and unused yoga ball, ready for any ‘good behavior’ moments that need a little coaxing.